It is my belief that no woman escapes pregnancy unscathed. Every little treasure leaves their mark on some part of your body. And some lovely treasures leave multiple marks. This is especially true if you have more than one treasure in your womb at a time, go overdue, go through ‘natural’ childbirth (which my obstetrician states is anything but ‘normal’), or give birth to a treasure over 4.5kg (10 pounds).
Alfie, my last little treasure, was overdue, was a ‘natural’ birth and weighed in at just under 4.6kgs – and that is just completely unnecessary.
And he left a mark.
On my right leg! It’s a green and engorged and unsightly vein that is becoming difficult to ignore. Even my mother can’t ignore it. She left brochures for a vein clinic on my coffee table. ‘Just a thought’ she said.
Subtleties aren’t lost on me so a few days ago I turned up to the clinic. I was shown into a room and told to undress and put on disposable shoe coverings and disposable knickers. She emphasised that everything would fit me because it was all ‘one size fits all’. So nothing fitted me, especially the knickers that gapped around me like an ill-fitting nappy.
Left on my own I sat on the bed and waited and waited and waited and finally the door slowly slid back revelling Toby, the young and dark haired and very good-looking and slightly awkward ‘assistant’. He told me he was going to measure my legs for compression stockings then take some photos of the ‘problem’ areas.
I had to stand in the centre of the room with the disposable knickers swimming and bulging around me while he bent down with a measuring tape. With his head in my crutch he asked, ‘could you just open your legs for me for a bit’ and I thought he would make a very good gynaecologist.
And while his hands were moving up and down my legs and his big blue eyes with the thick long lashes were staring intently into every flaw I did regret not arriving more prepared with a few necessary and essential touch-ups like a wax, a pedicure, an exfoliating scrub and a spray tan. Not much dignity left now.
For the photo shoot I had to stand on a step while Toby got up close and down low and asked me to bend my knees or straighten my legs or twirl around or step forward while he looked through the lens and fiddled with the camera. All I could think was ‘thank goodness it’s not haemorrhoids’.
Then the doctor arrived and he said I should recover quickly from the procedure because I’m ‘so young’. I nearly kissed him.
So I’m booked in for the procedure and will wear not only the paper shoes and paper knickers but also a paper shower cap and some black-rimmed glasses with olive lenses that I’m sure won’t match my complexion. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people that just doesn’t care!
And in case a little treasure has left a mark on one (or both) of your legs, here is a photo to prepare you for how unattractive you will look wearing shoe coverings and disposable one-size-fits-all knickers. (And in this photo I have my own black knickers underneath the ‘one size fits all’ numbers.
And do let me know if you have any ‘marks’ from any ‘treasures’ that you would like to share.
And tonight I’m cooking Zucchini Flowers.
Degree of Difficulty: 2/5
Cost: I bought 3 packets of zucchini flowers from Harris Farm for $5.00. As zucchini flowers are in season, they are currently very affordable.
Serves: 4 people as an entree
16 male or female zucchini flowers
250gms ricotta cheese
Rind of 1 lemon
1 tbspn toasted pine nuts
1 tbspn chopped fresh basil
Salt and Pepper to taste
2/3 cup plain flour
1 tbspn extra virgin olive oil
1/2 tspn salt
150mls light beer
1 egg white
Vegetable oil for deep frying
Gently open zucchini flowers and remove stamen. In a small bowl mix ricotta cheese, lemon rind, toasted pine nuts, basil and salt and pepper to taste. Using a teaspoon, carefully fill zucchini flowers then twist ends to secure.
Sift flour with 1/2 teaspoon of salt into a small bowl. Pour in olive oil then whisk in light beer. In a separate bowl whisk egg white until stiff peaks form. Fold into beer batter mixture.
In a medium sized saucepan heat vegetable oil until 180 degrees. If you don’t have a thermometer, test heat of oil with a small piece of bread. If the bread turns golden in 15 seconds, it is hot enough.
Place paper towel over a tray and dip each zucchini flower into the hot oil, no more than 4 at a time. When golden remove from oil and rest on paper towel. Sprinkle with salt and serve with lemon wedges.