The Barman, the Actress and the Prostitute

Last night I was helping a friend with her daughter’s 18th birthday party.  It was held at their very beautiful home where they have an enviable view.

Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House

The view from my backyard has no similarities with this scene.

Anyway, I would love to tell you all about the party that was a sit-down Italian feast for 38 pretty little things with straightened hair, ultra-short dresses and sky-high heels but first I feel I must tell you about the barman, the actress and the prostitute.  This story has everything to do with Archie.

Archie was the barman.

During the week I had asked my friend if she needed a barman for the event and she said that would be a great idea.  I told her Archie has plenty of experience as a barman and she said she would hire him for the evening.  When Archie came home from uni I told him I had found him some paying work.  ‘Mum, I don’t have time for that.  I’ve got assessments all next week’.

‘You don’t have uni on Monday, Archie and you don’t have to be in on Tuesday until about lunchtime so I think you can organise your schedule to fit in a couple of hours behind a bar’.

‘Okay.  I’ll do it.  But how late do you think it will go because I’ll have to get back to learn some monologues’.

‘She just needs you for about four hours.  Six till 10.’

‘Well good because I’ve got a stack of work’.

On the night, things started out well.  Archie arrived on time, he was smartly dressed, he had washed his hair; he was even wearing deodorant.  Then a guest arrived.  Archie offered her a drink.  Then he looked at her a little more closely.  ‘I know you’, he said, ‘we auditioned together last year’.

‘Yes’, she said.  ‘Oh wow’, she said.  ‘Good to see you’, she said.

She’s the actress.

Up until that point the actress had been feeling a little low.  Dumped by her boyfriend a few days earlier she had come to the birthday party feeling  subdued but now – now she had an unlimited bar and a barman.  And so she had a few drinks.  And then a few more.  And a little bit of food and then a few more drinks.

That’s the barman.  He could be working harder.

At about 11pm the party was winding down but the remnant wanted to kick on.  In Kings Cross.  The barman had now been paid for his services and the actress asked Archie if he would like to join her and the girls at a night club in Kings Cross.  ‘That would be great’, said Archie.

‘Ah, Archie,’ I said,  ‘what about your assessments and all that work you said you have on and that busy week you said you have coming up?’

‘It’s all good mum.  Everything’s sorted.  I won’t be late’.  And off he went with the actress and the remnant.

At 1.45am the parents of the actress received a phone call.  ‘Hi, your daughter just got out of a taxi in Kings Cross and she’s really drunk and she left her phone on the backseat.  I’m just ringing to let you know I have her phone.  I can’t get it back to you tonight but I could get it to you tomorrow.’

‘Where’s our daughter now?’

‘I don’t know.  She went off with some guy’.

‘I’m going to have to find my daughter so can I have your name and number so I can call you tomorrow about the phone?’

‘I’m sorry but I’m a street worker and so for security I don’t give out my private details but I can tell you my name’s Electra’.

She’s the prostitute.

The concerned parents then phoned the party girl’s parents.  ‘Do you know where our daughter is and who she’s with?’

‘After the party they all went to Kings Cross and she was with Archie, the barman’.  The father leaped out of bed and drove into Kings Cross in search of his daughter.  He stopped outside nightclubs and asked bouncers if they had seen his daughter.  One was able to tell him he had seen her leaving earlier with a guy.

At 4am, (having been given my mobile number by the host), the father phoned me but as I was asleep and immune to the unfolding events, the call went through to message.  The father said, ‘My daughter has gone missing.  We were told she was very drunk and in Kings Cross and we believe she may be with your son.  We are treating this as extremely serious and we have the police involved.  Please treat this message as extremely important and urgent.’

But I slept on.

And meanwhile the actress was asleep in Archie’s bed!  But he was on the couch.

At 6am when all phones started ringing and there were calls coming in from the birthday girl, the birthday girl’s mother, the birthday girl’s father, the actress’s mother and the actress’s father, I woke in a state of confusion and today I have pieced together what happened.

The barman, the actress and the remnant went to a nightclub in Kings Cross in a taxi.  The actress left her mobile phone in the cab but not remembering where she left it, told Archie it was back at the birthday girl’s house.  At the night club Archie, realising the actress was quite intoxicated, allowed her only to drink water.  After a short time at the night club Archie thought she should go home so he suggested they catch the bus together.  On the bus the actress became very unwell and I’ll just let you picture the scene.  Archie thought she was too unwell to go home by herself (she lives a half hour further out of the city than we do) so he suggested she come to our house to stay the night.  He let her sleep in his bed while he slept on the couch.  Archie did not know a prostitute (an honest one) had picked up her phone, phoned her parents and let them know their daughter was very drunk and with a strange man in Kings Cross.

I am not even going to question how it is that four hours of bar work so quickly unraveled to involve actresses, prostitutes, police and parents.

I think there’s a lesson in here somewhere and I’m sure it’s not, ‘Some prostitutes are honest’.

Now it’s time for something pretty.  Here are the flowers I created for the tables.  I’ll tell you all about the party (and there will be no mention of barmen or actresses or prostitutes) in tomorrow’s post.

The flowers grouped in jars of varying heights, covered in brown paper bags and tied with two shades of pink ribbon.

If you liked this post, why not like me!



  1. I was waiting for a joke with a punchline.

    On a positive note … things ended ok after all.

    Do you have lots of hair dye on hand because your hair must be going gray with all of these adventures. 🙂

  2. Why does none of this surprise me? All so innocent but written so naughtily.

    I wouldn’t want to be the actress when her father got hold of her.

  3. Magnolia Verandah says:

    I bet the father of the actress was relieved his daughter was safe and sound. Well done Archie !

  4. What a great sneaky shot you took. The flowers looked great as well. The first time a daughter doesn’t come home at all has got to be one of the worst days (nights) in your entire life. Luckily I moved out at 18 and a flat mate wouldn’t think to ring the police for at least 48 hrs !

  5. You know what? That’s a really good boy you have there, Charlie. You should be very proud of him. I’m being serious too, not taking the piss, he took care of the drunk actress, took her home when she was sick, and didn’t take advantage of her. Well done to you and Carl. And Archie, good on you. xx

  6. Funny and interesting. Quite a few lessons actually including “not all barman take advantage of drunk chicks”:)

  7. This is funny but I am glad at the end everything went well… Wonderful flowers and photographs, Thank you, love, nia

  8. Dear Charlie,

    Moral of the story – being a barman is definitely more exciting than being a uni student.

  9. Hahahaha. Another Archie adventure! I think perhaps he should write a book with all that happens to him. That is seriously the funniest story I’ve ever heard. So glad there are honest prostitutes in this world…and gentlemen who don’t take advantage of intoxicated women!

  10. Oh Archie. Charlie – you lead such an interesting life:)

  11. Is this story fact or fiction? Honestly, it reads like fiction to me. 🙂

    Love the flowers; my goodness you are talented.

    • hotlyspiced says:

      Thanks Audrey but this is definitely a true story. I don’t think I’m capable of creating this kind of a scenario.

  12. Your family leads the most interesting life!

  13. I can always count on your posts to be very entertaining. You must thank your children for me, they certainly spice up the posts from time to time.
    Your story reminded me of a story that happened to my brother during his first year of uni (although my story is dissimilar, it does have a prostitute in it!). He drove three of his buddies from university (which was in a nearby city) downtown Toronto and they got lost in a shady part of town. It was early evening on a Saturday night and my brother decides to ask one of the ‘ladies’ for direction. He pulls over and his passenger rolled down the window and asked the young lady for directions. She leans into the car and starts to explain when all of a sudden she yells out pointing directly at my brother “I know you!” Of course the car burst into laughter and after things quieted down, they discovered that she went to the same university and had several classes with my brother! This is how she paid for school. That’s a story I won’t soon forget.

  14. Archie is a good kid. You should be proud.

  15. Hilarious! I LOVE your family. Will you adopt me? ~ April

  16. Wow that’s a bit crazy but with good results and all clean and innocent 🙂

    Choc Chip Uru

  17. If my sons grow up to be half as awesome as your son, I will be sending prayers to the heaven above everyday.

    And you are quite the story teller 🙂 If there is one blog I ‘miss’ reading when busy, it’s yours. Hands down.

  18. OMG what a naughty post, yet funny and witty and so you Charlie… yes only you could pull it off this way… on a food blog haha.

  19. LOL! So funny!!
    What a nice girl (the prostitute) to have called worried about the actress in the cross, and isn’t Archie a total gentlemen.

    As I type this we have 6 extra bodies downstairs… son number 1 had his formal last night and everyone crashed here… might be time to make breaky 🙂

  20. Archie is certainly the hero of the piece, but I’m sure for a while there that girls father had him painted as the villain!
    I suggest a curfew- dusk til dawn? Or a tracking chip in his shoe? That way you’ll always know where he is to placate angry fathers, even when Archie is being a perfect gentlemen 🙂

  21. I do love Archie stories! How did it end with the actress’s parents?

  22. Wow, that was surely one eventful night that no one expected or even anticipated. It was very interesting indeed but all in all, it ended a okay. I would kill to have that view as my backyard. Like you, I surely don’t have anything remotely similar.

  23. That’s what I thought too… Have you heard the one about the barman, the actress and the prostitute?

    Oh Archie you are one entertaining young man that’s for sure and most gentlemanly. Is ‘it’s all good mum’ his signature phrase?

    Love the vases. I’m thinking of doing something similar for our Christmas table.

    • hotlyspiced says:

      Hi Claire, I was just talking to one of my sisters on the weekend and about doing a similar thing with flowers (different colours of course) for our Christmas table. When you put the jars in the bags, secure with a rubber band then tie with ribbon. I group on the table in threes with the jars being in varying heights to create a better group look. Start saving your jars!

  24. LOL What a story Charlie. How funny everyone went crazy searching for her when after all that she was in your house haha. Well thank goodness it all turned out well 🙂

  25. Oh Charlie…I felt a rush of enjoyment when I read the title of this post, because I just knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good 🙂 The things that happen in your life! You may not have that view, but you certainly have more than your share of excitement, largely, it seems, thanks to Archie! (Good on him for looking after the girl in question though.)

  26. You are so funny…it seems that you always have interesting and funny things to share…hehehe! Good that everything turned out well 🙂
    Have a great week!

  27. You are a great storyteller, Charlie. You tell this so hilariously but I’m sure the actress’s father might not agree. That Archie!
    Beautiful flowers – you are so creative.

  28. Haven’t some people learned the veracity of the adage ‘Truth is stranger than fiction’? Actually a gorgeous story Archie will talk about in about 50-60 years time 🙂 !

  29. That is insane. That wild night reminds me of my college days.

  30. I think your young barman might just be in high demand after this:) Or, at least he will want a gig like that again! I’m glad she was safe, there’s nothing worse for worried parents. xx

  31. Now aren’t you glad you had such a lovely Friday afternoon away from it all? Any chance of your getting away this Friday?

  32. Charlie, you have the most interesting things happen and the way you tell them is too funny for words! OMG! How funny…the poor parents of the ‘actress’.You should be proud of Archie…(the caption on the picture is a riot!)

  33. Charlie, you will never run out of things to write. 🙂
    I can only imagine the wrath of the actresses parents when she returned home.
    Your flower arrangements are magnificent – another talent you have.
    🙂 Mandy xo

  34. Oh my goodness! I knew that it would be quite a story when I read the title! 😛 And I wasn’t disappointed!

  35. Moral of the story. “We’ve all been there” and I don’t mean the prostitute either.

    Love your work on the flowers.

    I went to a 21st and the same guys 30th in his parents house with that exact same view. Miss those days loads.

  36. Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, but last week’s schedule messed up my rounds. Meanwhile, I started with the next post, but quickly realized it was a sequel to this post..

    First thing … wow … what a great setting. Secondly, who would have guess this story would unfold there. Glad all are safe and sound!

  37. Archie sounds like a very kind man.

  38. Great story, Charlie. Just great. I like Archie even more–and I already had a really good feeling about him.

  39. Oh my … I always love stopping by your site, Charlie, because you have the best stories 🙂

  40. You write the best story Charlie! I couldn’t stop reading as soon as I saw the title. Glad everyone was safe, but seriously, what an interesting night! And good you got some sleep before you figured it all out. 😀

  41. Thank you for my early morning giggle! At least you can never say that your life is dull. 😉

  42. Charlie, there is no point in me asking how 4 hours of bar work could lead to such kaos……… is another story in your funny wonderful life.. What a lovely thoughtful and trustworthy fellow your son is though!
    I think I might have been mortified if Skater was kissing a guest whilst working, but you made it into a great story. i do like intolerant chefs idea of a tracking chip in the shoe . Lovely flowers xx

  43. i love this story LOL and I love how you’ve described them as the Barman, Actress and Prostitue hehe so funny!

    Archie sure knows where to pick up girls 😛 But wow for the Father to call and have the police involved… so glad it all worked out 🙂

  44. So, that’s what I’ve got to look forward to in 15 years!

  45. Wow! I have no words 😮

  46. Great story Charlie…you can make this stuff up!!

  47. I always love your stories. Oy, vey! And your flowers were gorgeous! I’m glad the story turned out well!

  48. Archie is such a good guy! He really is. But where he goes…trouble seems to creep in, huh? I love his energy and the way nothing is a problem! 🙂 I love this story, and I’m glad the potential for harm was completely averted. I’m also glad you sleep through some of this, Charlie. Imagine what your blood pressure might be if you stayed up waiting for your son to come home! 🙂

  49. Now that is a story. Sounds like something that would happen on a television show.
    Your friend’s view is amazing. I want to be nosy and ask that line of work they are in so I can change my career and acquire such a view;)

  50. Ha, a true gentleman indeed!

    That is an incredible view from that apartment… wowzer!

  51. Now, what a story this surely is!
    Your friend has a great view to look at, each day! 🙂


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